Having Fun Yet?

No sleep.

11.25 a.m.

After taking a shower I went down to the Tv room last nite. At about 11.30 p.m. Lizzie and Linus were watching some old movie on Cinemax (well, I thought it was just some old movie). It was Friday the 13th. Bah. Anyway, I continued watching Tv until 5. We were watching Discovery Channel – Austin’s something something – when Lizzie and the China girl decided to go up to bed. I stayed and watched House and Nip/Tuck after that.

Nip/Tuck turned out to be interesting. Besides, Julian McMahon is in it – you know, Balthazar from Charmed. Anyway, the programme was 1½ hours long. I don’t know whether it was because it was the first episode, or because the programme really is 1½ hours long. Went up to my room at about 5, made myself a glass of cold orange and smoke in the room. We’re not allowed to smoke within the college compound (and that means the hostel too) but whatever. I know I won't get caught cos Aunt Helen (or whoever was it on duty last nite) was sleeping when I went to return the remote. Whatever.

I talked to Nick yesterday and he said he’ll let me go if I’d go back and see him in September. Just the thought of it breaks me. I don’t know why I’m killing myself for this guy when he doesn’t seem to feel the same way about me. Hell, he doesn’t even know what I feel about him. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let this one go. I’d let go of Saiyful before and look just how empty it had made me. And Nick’s the only one I’ve got left. In here. I guess one of the reasons I’m still holding on to this love is because I know that Nick will always want me. Maybe not the way I wanted him to, but he wants me nonetheless. It’s unhealthy but it helps me keep what little self-esteem I’ve got left. Not that he’s giving it much of a boost but whatever. At least with him I know my heart will never be whole anymore so even if he breaks it again it wouldn’t hurt me as much. If I let him go and start over with someone else it’ll hurt me more when they decide to break my heart. Heh. Billy was rite. If I don’t feel, I don’t hurt. I should ask him to teach me how to do it. Or maybe I should just stick with Nomol. Cats don’t break your heart and they don’t hurt you like people do. To hell with mending the heart and shit. That was what Arthur promised me. And just like that, he let me down. And what about Bert. Heh. Made a whole big deal by declaring his undying love to me – and some shit like that – and then just ditching the promise the first chance he got. I know I pushed him away and I didn’t love him or anything, but I let him get close. And I let myself believed him and his bloody promise. Bah. Turns out I do hold grudges after all. This is so fucking ugly.
So bloody fucking ugly. Maybe there ISN’T someone for everyone after all. And love, or romance rather, is just one hell of a fucking bullshit.

Gonna make you like the way they talk when they’re talking to you
Gonna make you break out of your shell cos they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth
They’ll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say
They’re gonna break your heart yea
From what I’ve seen
You’re just one more hand me down
Cause no one’s try to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now
Somebody ought to take you in and try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel when they’re under your skin
Never wants you to think that they would lie when they’re holding you
Never wonder why they haven’t called when they said they’ll call you
You start to wonder if you’re ever gonna make it by
You start to think you were born blind
From what I’ve seen
You’re just one more hand me down
Cause no one’s try to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now
(Lay them down on me)

That was from Matchbox 20 – Hand Me Down. One of my all-time favorite songs. Beautiful song. But I can't believe that anyone can ever be that beautiful again. Not to me anyway. I’ll never believe in love again. It’s all just bullshit. MFing tiring bullshit. And the world will always keep spinning.

Time check: 12.15 p.m.

I better go and get something to eat. I’ll have to give Jon the cd key later. Hope it works for him cos it worked for me. Oh, I made some new friends online. Nice stoners, heh. Jon, John, Ronnie, Nix, Adville, Nuke and Donnie. But I haven’t heard from Donnie for a while. I like talking to them. They seem… real somehow. Not believing in that silver lining shit. Not believing that the air smells of roses. Honest to God. And yet still be able to be wonderful friends to talk to. And they don’t mind the fact that I am very disturbed inside. Then again it could all be just a bloody façade. But whatever. They make me laugh. Bah. This just makes me sound so bitter.

Shud I be stupid
If I let you hurt me
If I let you rip this heart apart
When I let you put me on my knees
I’m in a cycle
Curse you’ve put me on
I liked you too much
Hate you but it doesn’t make a difference
The distance didn’t stop you
I don’t know what will
Crossed out you name on the wall
Shred your voices on the flower bed
But I keep kneeling down to wait for your return
Defying this degradation
An act you’ve made me put up with
If you can taste these salty tears
And the sweet smell of this blood
Dripping out on you very skin
Can you feel my arms around you
Can you hear this sadness throbbing with every heartbeat
I know you do but you chose not to comprehend
I can smell you everywhere
Fading out my senses
Obscuring my reasons
Can you catch a glimpse of me
Cause I won't wait outside the door
If you’re just gonna leave me standing cold..

When I told Chait about my intention to switch major, she said I’ve finally found my… what was the word she used. Found my stand (or ground) or something like that (I forgot, as usual). Heh. She’s living proof that humanity still exists. That somehow there are wonderful people around. Why she wants to stick around me is a huge wonder. If any of you out there know this girl, hold on to her and don’t let go. You may never find someone like her again. And then there’s Billy of course, and why HE is willing to stick around still puzzles me to no end. He’s not someone you’d call sweet. He’s not even nice to everyone. He’s just, Billy. If there’s one thing I wouldn’t change about my life, it’s him. A thousand lifetimes and I’d still have him in it. He doesn’t always understand me but he always listens. No matter how stupid or ridiculous I get, he never fails to listen. And he never complains. He never says I-told-you-so. A friend thru and thru. And he keeps me grounded. Heh, I would sound like I still fancy him. But that already had its time and it had passed. I’ve moved on from that (I know at least that much).

I really should get going. Hungry. I hope nobody is offended reading this. Any of this shit. It’s not worth getting offended over. I’m just a hand me down.

Until next time, Simon.

::xoxoxo:: 1:17 PM

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