Having Fun Yet?

the first step

I have finally gone and meet all my lecturers (they are actually nice people). It wasn't so bad. Wasn't bad after all. Either they're actually nice people or maybe because they actually know me. Well, the important thing is, I'm pretty much settled and I can graduate next year. That's good enough for me. God is not cruel. Even if I do hate myself and lost faith in all living being, this particular ground is not shaken. Never has been and I'm sure never will be. There was a blood donation program but I was late so I wasn't on the list. And they needed MY blood type. It's O. Negative. I'm getting off track.

So it looks like I'd be back to class and gonna be busy as hell next week. And then there's fasting. Hopefully I can pull this off. I still need a job but it's almost impossible. I mean, it's possible, but I'd end up dead. No point there.

I sent another email to Chait.

Scared i might actually end up hating everything and everyone in my life and not turning back.
anyway babe, thanks a lot for writing to me. i guess there's some little faith left in people. i have to say thou, it annoyed me for a while - that's why i never bothered to go for any counselling or therapy session cause all those pep talks and such just piss me off real bad. i get ticked off by those people. mostly because i can actually figure out what they would say to me if i tell them so and so (it makes me think: what can these people tell me that i dont already know? and if i already know what they were gonna do, it's pointless to even try and ask for their help because that's just it, they're not actually helping. just overdosing me with self-help textbook craps). and yes, i did sort of figure out what you would say to me when i sent you the message. and then i read the last paragraph of your message and i felt bad for being angry - i told you i have anger issues. it goes way back. a long way back. and you were right too, i think i know what triggered the negativity and the anger, i've just given up on sorting it out. i dont see the point in it. thank you for wanting to try, but babe, i cannot be fixed. i am so so so grateful that you are still willing to stick around with it. even i get tired of analyzing this. and chait, even if someday you really do get sick me i wouldnt be surprised at all. people drift away from me after a while. the only one that has been sticking around for that long and actually never have any intention of leaving is Billy. i dont know where he gets his patience and faith. so i wont hold it against you. i have to say i dont have much faith in your being around, chait. i'm sorry to say it but this has been happening for years its almost normal. what i'm trying to say is, i am grateful for you being there, very thankful that you actually care, but i wont be surprised if someday you'll call it quits. I'm not saying you will, but I'm saying you eventually just might. There's a huge possibility. Doesnt mean I am not thankful for what faith you have in me, I am. maybe i'm not making much sense to you. just know i am grateful for you, babe. i just need my reverie back. that isolated dark place where i can shut out the world and just recollect myself in all the isolation. maybe then i'd find my passion again because i have lost it. but thank you. really thank you.
nothing hurts you like a betrayal. i am trying to pick up the pieces. i have one belief and that is, in the end, there's nobody else but you. so if you wanna learn how to rely on somebody, learn that you can only rely on yourself. nobody else is there. eventually it all boils down to you. you make the choices and you suffer the consequences.
i'm not sad all the time, babe. i've just lost my definition of happiness. of love. of having faith in people. i cant even remember what's it like to love someone. hehe. let's face it, i'm broken and can't be fixed. but i'll manage, babe. death freaks me out to pieces and my neighbour died recently so maybe it's a contributing factor to my deepened depression. i'm still very much freaked. i havent forgotten how to smile, babe. so u can breath. btw, here's what some of the fellas wanna say to you:
<@incubabe> tell her that i havent been chatting with her for a fricken long time.
<@incubabe> and i miss her!
<@anthraxxxx> oh just tell her i miss
<@incubabe> ask her to get her butt back here.
most of them arent online at the time i'm writing this. so there you go. =) i have to sign off here or i'll just tick you off with my crazy dilemmas. big hugs, babe. you're great. remember i tell you that.

Well, that's about it. I'd review this or something some other time.

::xoxoxo:: 4:52 PM

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