Bah.
Recently a friend asked me a question, "what do you miss the most? or who?" and I couldn't answer. It just hit me then. There's no one I'm missing. Not that I am surrounded by all the people I want to be with. I just don't find myself missing anyone. Surprisingly, not even Billy. There's a void in my heart I can't even begin to fathom. For the past few weeks I've been living life on autopilot. It feels somewhat familiar. I wonder if I'd start hating everyone and everything soon. "Been there, done that".
What do I miss the most, then? In all honesty, at this moment (and for the past few weeks), just Nomol. Everything else just seems to bore me out. Bah. It's probably just the hormones talking. But I must be really whacked if it's been the hormones since the past few weeks.
I don't want to go home. I don't want to stay here either. I'd just kill myself going crazy. But there's nothing good at home. I certainly don't feel like going back to that broken place. Maybe I am running away from my problems. But what the heck. It's not even my real problem in the first place. I've been coping with it for years. Even when I don't have to. Even when I don't want to. It's bound to take a toll on me somehow. And why do I have to be responsible for other people's mess, anyway? There has got to be a law or rule for that somewhere.
For some reason, people around me seem to be keen on finding the right definition for 'Friends' and 'Friendship'. Or at least the "right" ones for them. I don't really know what my definitions are for those. Or if I even have any. I don't even know if I even care. Of course, my dear friends, all of you mean something to me. There is always something. But does it mean I have to declare it to the world? And if I refuse to do that, does it mean I don't care? Does it mean I am not a good friend? And what of love, then. It really irks me when some people insist on me placing my 'love' somewhere. On someone. Anyone. Why, may I ask? I do not really believe I am capable of loving. But even if I am, does it mean I have to justify and declare it to the world?
I don't even know how I got here. I was writing about something else, wasn't I. Bah. Whatever.
::xoxoxo:: 7:15 PM
